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Final update: The note about ExecException above is wrong. The problem was that, somehow, during some stages of build, gradle/Android Studio were executing the wrong version of the code. I thought that changing "Exception" to "Throwable" had fixed it, but in fact what fixed it was making a change (any change) to build.gradle in Android Studio. Renaming "git" to "lit" also fixes the problem, in testing. This somehow does something a gradle sync & clean build didn't.

Android Studio is TERRIFYING.