With an hour left, I decided to spin up an EC2 instance, run microk8s, and see if that would work.
I got Helm to run the install, but it kept failing. After multiple passes through values.yml, I ended up with about half the pods running, and all the important ones mysteriously silent.
It sucked!
I'm going to give it another try over the holidays, but jeez. I think I might be doing it wrong.