Calvinists: "So God hates you and made you so you'd burn in hell but that's good, actually."

Anglican: "I'm an ex-Evangelical who read the church fathers but I'm still too scared to convert to Catholicism"

Orthodox: "idk I heard this Church was based and homophobic on tiktok so I started going because I thought it would be cool."

Catholic: "Either I literally don't care at all about the Church and just go here because I'm Italian/Irish or I'm a radicalized 14 year old who's obsessed with the crusades"

Methodist: "I go here because my family has always went here and also I'm kinda woke"

Lutheran: "I go here because my family has always went here and also I'm kinda woke"

Evangelical: "I go here because they worship Trump and I looooveee Trump"

Unitarian Universalist: "I literally hate Christianity lol I just go here because it's woke and they do cool charity work"