Conversation

Sure, I buy weed occasionally, for no real reason.. I eat it raw, and have a vague idea it's good for the health, and, although they say this can't, or won't happen, I definitely feel stoned.. so, go figure. I don't smoke it though. Everytime I fancy smoking it, I remember that I can't handle the intensity of the effects. I experience the weed/bong high as surges of energy, which translates into nervous excitement, and a panicky feeling that I'm about to have a heart attack, or go insane. On top of that, my thoughts race, and go round in circles of misery, when I consider that the world is a cesspool, and that I'm guaranteed to get old, and decrepit, and, if not, that means dying a painful death before then, which is highly likely, given my misspent yoof. Also, all the mistakes, grievances, and regrets for my nasty life come into stark relief.. at least I think that's what it is, in the form of a generalized anxiety, feeling of unease/panic/dysphoria. I guess either weed fried my brain in my teens, or it exacerbates existing body/mind defects.
Hell, even the nicotine isn't ideal, but I'm not expecting it to kill me anytime soon... though, I've no doubt the daily nicotine habit raises my heart-attack, and stroke risk significantly.
As for the alcohol, I'm currently on the wagon, and, as usual, am planning on never drinking again. I can see very clearly that a combination of alcohol, and nicotine, or alcohol alone, could very easily put me into an early grave... I don't want to die, or die after a long, and happy life, peacefully in my sleep. Even the prospect of a sudden catastrophic heart-attack, fills me with cold dread. As for cancer, or dementia, I'm sure there's no way to mentally prepare for that, except to say 'come what may, I'll endure the pain, and face my impending death with as much stoicism as I can summon'.