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   Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 19-Jun-2025 17:06:16 JST Adrianna Tan

   I was telling my therapist about some of my anxieties and she was like, wait, you said your parents were kind and loving and never pushed you to achieve things.. so where does this come from?

   I was like, let me tell you about Everybody’s Ah Gong:

   https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lee_Kuan_Yew

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 19-Jun-2025 17:08:06 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     50% of my work in therapy is decolonizing my brain as a former evangelical Christian; and the other half is deprogramming the worst of my Singaporean cult upbringing lol.

     Most of my deepest anxieties are closely linked to that country and the spirit of competition and capitalism that it fostered, to the degree in which my Californian therapist cannot believe that I think Murica is less competitive and capitalist actually

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 19-Jun-2025 17:13:50 JST Adrianna Tan

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     My relationship with ‘striving’ and ‘Singaporean-ness’ is kind of awkward. I don’t consider myself a typical Singaporean striver (there’s a type), but somehow I think I’ve ended up out-striving the worst of them.

     Partly, it’s that I knew from a very young age that as a not rich queer child there, I would have to go above and beyond to get myself the opportunities to live a queer life somewhere else some day.

     But once I got that, it’s hard to turn off. What’s the next thing to attain? It’s rarely material things for me, but it’s hard to turn off that need to just achieve the next thing, even when I feel and know I no longer have to. Because that early striving saved my life, and it feels safe, and it feels weird to not do that.

     I’m doing a lot of work to learn to give myself permission to stop.

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 19-Jun-2025 17:19:38 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     A lot has been written about the patriarchal relationship that that state has with its citizens.

     In my lived experience, it’s just like having perpetual daddy issues. You can be the best pianist / scientist / creator / inventor or whatever, but if you spent most of your childhood in Singapore, there’s the feeling that will never go away: you will never be enough. You are never good enough. Don’t even dream of getting my approval. How dare you even think any of this is acceptable.

     I’m committed to stripping that out of my brain. But it’s a lot of it.

     I’ve been having a lot of conversations with young queer Singaporeans who are leaving, and every time I say this, they cry: if you feel like Singapore doesn’t love you, it is not your fault.

     There was never a place for anyone who isn’t a Default Singaporean in that society.

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 19-Jun-2025 17:21:48 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     • Ulrike Walter-Lipow

     @lipow whale actually, I whale

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     Ulrike Walter-Lipow (lipow@norden.social)'s status on Thursday, 19-Jun-2025 17:21:49 JST Ulrike Walter-Lipow

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte You could strive for more whale watching ...

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 19-Jun-2025 17:33:15 JST Adrianna Tan

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     • Jay Stephens

     @jaystephens last time I visited I was happy to see posters about mental health. I thought, finally! But the posters were like, struggling? Depressed? Call this hotline so we can teach you how to still do well in your exams despite depression!!

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     Jay Stephens (jaystephens@mastodon.social)'s status on Thursday, 19-Jun-2025 17:33:16 JST Jay Stephens

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte
     I've visited Singapore and it's nice to visit. But yeah, even the chill people have a side hustle monetizing chillness. It felt very unsustainable psychologically.

   • Embed this notice
     C.B.Leslie (cbleslie@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 19-Jun-2025 21:03:04 JST C.B.Leslie

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte so what's the "Everybody’s Ah Gong" sitcom about?

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Friday, 20-Jun-2025 00:49:57 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     • Jay Stephens

     @jaystephens we get hammered on all sides. The capitalism from colonialism and also the myth of suffering for family and accomplishments that many immigrant Chinese families equate with ‘self worth’. If you’re not suffering you’re too selfish.

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     Jay Stephens (jaystephens@mastodon.social)'s status on Friday, 20-Jun-2025 00:49:58 JST Jay Stephens

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte
     Ugh.
     I also noticed the same pharmacy ads for Nurofen & Panadol as we get in the Anglo countries ("sick and in pain? Take some of these pills and keep enriching the boss" type messaging) but weirdly turned up to 11, like going just a bit further with that message than would be acceptable, say, here in Australia.

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Friday, 20-Jun-2025 07:57:43 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     • suzanne

     @cshlan I live in SF / Silicon Valley. This is the hub of American anxiety. I still feel more anxious back home

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     suzanne (cshlan@dawdling.net)'s status on Friday, 20-Jun-2025 07:57:45 JST suzanne

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte
     There are communities in the US that are horribly competitive. I can't compare to other countries but there is major stress and anxiety going on. But I think most of the US is pretty much at a good place about it.

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Friday, 20-Jun-2025 09:11:25 JST Adrianna Tan

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     • suzanne

     @cshlan thank you!

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     suzanne (cshlan@dawdling.net)'s status on Friday, 20-Jun-2025 09:11:27 JST suzanne

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte
     I've wondered if the East Coast version is more or less than there. I don't have experience with tech people, really. But it doesn't surprise me that it would be worse in a small country where you would get it from all sides.

     Either way, I'm glad you've found a good place. I love hearing about your life and how happy you sound ❤️

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Saturday, 21-Jun-2025 11:39:06 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     • Balaji Dutt

     @balaji oooh yeah i can totally see that!

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     Balaji Dutt (balaji@social.linux.pizza)'s status on Saturday, 21-Jun-2025 11:39:07 JST Balaji Dutt

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte I feel like this affects even immigrants to Singapore? By some standards I have achieved a reasonable level of professional success but between imposter syndrome and Singaporean-ness it never feels like "good enough".
     Worse it affects my perception of how I rate my team members based outside Singapore on whether they are ready for the next step in their careers. Even though they are based in the US while working for a US company, I tell them "I'm judging you are ready for promotion based on high expectations Asian dad meme levels of performance even if that isn't needed based on where you work"