Conversation

Hoss Delgado here—monster hunter, ghost puncher, and former three-time champ of the Paranormal Arm-Wrestling League, 1997 through ‘99 (lost in 2000 to a banshee on performance enhancers, but that’s another story).

Now lemme tell ya somethin’ about working with cryptids. Folks think it’s all glitz and glamour, like I’m out there wrangling chupacabras in leather pants with a flamethrower in one hand and a steely glare in the other. And okay, sometimes I am. But most days? It's a whole lotta swamp mud, awkward eye contact, and more diplomatic tea ceremonies with Bigfoot than I care to admit!

Take ol' Mothman, for example. Used to be a real winged menace—tore up half of Jersey just trying to get to a vending machine. But now? Ever since the government's been paying him to "predict disasters," he's got an ego the size of Cleveland. I once spent an entire weekend pretending to be a podiatrist just to lure him outta a Foot Locker.

And lemme tell ya, cryptids? They talk. And when they do? They never shut up. Wendigo got a podcast now. Swamp Ape runs a conspiracy blog. And Loch Ness? She sends me holiday cards. Every. Single. Year. Last one had glitter. GLITTER!

And people say, "Hoss, isn't it dangerous?" Heck yeah, it’s dangerous! I’ve been bit, clawed, hexed, and turned into a raccoon for a full fiscal quarter! Ever try filing taxes when you're three feet tall and crave garbage? Don’t.

But the real danger? The heartbreak. Yeah, that’s right—I said it. I once fell for a banshee. Name was Loretta. Voice could curdle milk and shatter hearts. We danced under the moonlight—me, her, and the smell of scorched ectoplasm in the air. But it wasn’t meant to be. Turns out she was just wailing for attention. Literally. It’s in the job description.

So if you're thinkin’ about a career in cryptid relations, take it from ol’ Hoss: you better have nerves of steel, a flamethrower that doubles as a smoothie blender, and a strong tolerance for swamp etiquette.

Now if you’ll excuse me—I’ve got a date with the Jersey Devil. He’s been stealing catalytic converters again. Third time this month. And I just waxed the Hoss-Mobile.

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