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Dan Fixes Coin-Ops (ifixcoinops@retro.social)'s status on Wednesday, 26-Feb-2025 17:37:24 JST

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If I tell you number twelve you'll understand why folk 'round these parts just say Number Twelve.

---

Three friends are hiking in the woods, one of them finds a lamp, it's that one, you know the one, of course he picks up the lamp, of course he goes "Hmm, nice lamp, bit grubby, let's give it a rub," and of course there's the genie. We know this one, we're in familiar territory. Welcome to the joke. Make yourself at home, we're gonna be a minute. 🧞 "MORTALS," booms the genie, 🧞 "FOR A THOUSAND YEARS I HAVE BEEN IMPRISONED IN THAT LAMP, YOU KNOW HOW THESE JOKES GO, YADDAYADDAYADDA THREE WISHES"

🐺 What, each?

🧞 YEAH EACH, WHY NOT.

The guys are all grinning and rubbing their hands together because they know that they're in a funny story and not a cautionary tale.

🦊 Anything? Anything at all?

🧞 SUBJECT TO THE USUAL RULES.

🦊 How about a billion dollars?

🧞 TRIFLING. IT IS DONE.

🦊 gets all excited and pulls his phone out and checks his banking app, it says his balance is $1,000,000,006.72. He's jumping around with glee and gibbering about all the pogs he's gonna buy, the genie turns to 🐺, booms 🧞 NOW YOU.

🐺 Oh genie, I wish to never be sick or injured, I wish for perfect health until the day I die, is that within your power?

🧞 WITHIN MY POWER? IT IS ALREADY DONE.

🐺's knees don't hurt anymore. He feels as though he could run a mile and not even get out of breath. Something jagged floats around on his tongue; he spits out a filling, feels the tooth heal around where it used to be. He's very impressed.

🧞 NOW YOU, 🦝.

While the other two were making their wishes, 🦝 has been concentrating very hard. His brow is furrowed.

🦝 Genie, I would like for my left arm to rotate at the shoulder, anti-clockwise as viewed from my left, about half a rotation a second, until the day I die.

The genie gives 🦝 a gentle smile. 🧞 THIS IS AN UNUSUAL REQUEST, LITTLE ONE. IT IS DONE.

🦝 looks at his left arm, which is rotating in a sort of swimming motion, without any conscious intervention on his part. He gives a little satisfied nod, and says 🦝 yes, good. Thank you.

🧞 YOU ARE VERY WELCOME. NOW, THE WEALTH-SEEKER. YOUR SECOND WISH.

🦊 You said a billion dollars was trifling. I think I wasn't going hard enough. Can you make me the richest man alive?

🧞 A THOUSAND YEARS I WAS IN THERE. YES, FOR FREEING ME, YOU MAY HAVE ALL THE TRINKETS YOU DESIRE.

🦊 looks with wide eyes at his banking app, he's got this manic grin, he's richer than God.

🧞 NOW YOU, 🐺, WILL YOUR SECOND WISH BE AS WISE AS YOUR FIRST?

🐺 Wise. Wise... can you do that? Can you make it so that I can, oh, I don't know, pick up the guitar quicker, things like that? I mean, like, get good at things very easily, is what I'm asking.

🧞 YOU WISH FOR WISDOM? APTITUDE?

🐺 Well, not like, TOO easy, y'know? Like, I enjoy learning, it's satisfying, I don't wanna feel like I'm cheating...

🧞 YOU WISH FOR NEW THINGS TO BE EASY FOR YOU.

🐺 ...yeah!

🧞 GRANTED, YOU SMALL, WISE THING.

🐺 excitedly pulls his phone out and opens up his duolingo thingy and he doesn't have to rummage through his brain for the words he learned two weeks ago anymore, they're right there, he's sharp as anything. He could probably run through the whole course in a couple of days.

🐺 I remember everything! This is so awesome, thank you!

🧞 OF COURSE. NOW. He turns to 🦝. 🧞 YOUR SECOND WISH, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE ME DO?

The whole time his friends were making their wishes, 🦝 has been very quiet. Watching his arm rotate. Lips moving silently as he figures it out. He nods.

🦝 Yeah. Yeah, okay. For my second wish, I'd like my right arm to rotate, again at the shoulder, clockwise this time from the same viewpoint as my first wish.

🧞 ...AT THE SAME SPEED AS YOUR LEFT ARM?

🦝 Yes, please. So they'd be counter-rotating.

🧞 FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS, AS BEFORE?

🦝 Yes please.

🧞 MYSTERIOUS ONE, THIS REQUEST IS GRANTED. MAY IT PROVE AS USEFUL AS YOU SEEM TO THINK IT WILL.

🦝 watches his arms rotating around him.

🦝 Yes. Yes, thank you, that's exactly what I wanted.

🧞 YOUR FINAL WISH, RICHEST MAN.

🦊 I want to be irresistable to women. The most charismatic man alive.

🧞 RICHES AND CHARISMA, QUITE A COMBINATION. AS YOU WISH.

🦊's dating app starts pinging, which is a bit weird because his profile's an absolute disgrace.

🧞 HEALTHY ONE, WISE ONE, YOUR FINAL WISH.

🐺 Well... I mean, healthy, wealthy and wise, right? That's what we're supposed to want, isn't it?

🧞 MORE RICHES?

🐺 Not billions. Just... enough that I won't have to worry. And that my friends won't have to worry. And enough left over to spread around a bit.

🧞 I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN. CHECK YOUR ACCOUNT WHEN YOU GET HOME. THE REST WILL TURN UP PERIODICALLY, WHEN IT IS REQUIRED.

🐺 Thank you, genie.

🧞 NOW. COUNTER-ROTATING ONE.

🦝 Yes! Yes, I know EXACTLY what I want.

🧞 THEN SPEAK.

🦝 I want my head to nod back and forth, in time with the rotation of my arms. Forever.

🧞

🦝

🧞 IN TEN THOUSAND YEARS OF EXISTENCE, I HAVE NEVER ASKED A MORTAL, "ARE YOU SURE."

🦝

🧞

🦝

🧞 IT IS DONE.

🦝 Yes. Yes!

🧞 I HOPE THIS WORKS OUT FOR YOU.

🦝 Thank you so much.

~~~

With that, the genie vanishes. Life goes on.

Time passes.

One day, 🐺 misses his old hiking buddies and gets on the phone and arranges a meetup at the pub...

~~~

...🐺 The richest-man-in-the-world thing didn't last very long.

🦊 Yeah. It was... hollow, y'know? But I had a GREAT time getting rid of all that money. That was WAY more fun.

🐺 Heh. I'm glad you're happy.

🦊 Definitely. How's the healthy wealthy and wise thing turning out?

🐺 Brilliant, if I'm honest. Especially the healthy bit, haven't had so much as a cold these past five years.

🦊 God, has it been that long. So you're happy?

🐺 Very.

The two men smile contentedly at each other.

🐺 Oh, here comes 🦝.

🦝 walks into the pub, arms rotating, head bobbing back and forth, sits down at the table.

🦝 Alright, lads. I think I fucked up

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Dan Fixes Coin-Ops (ifixcoinops@retro.social)'s status on Wednesday, 26-Feb-2025 17:37:25 JST

Dan Fixes Coin-Ops

in reply to

In case you haven't heard it, the joke is, guy breaks down in the middle of nowhere, doesn't quite Die On The Moors but makes it to one of them rural pubs where there's always a fire and the same ten blokes and not much talking. Rings for a tow, gets a pint, eyes all over him but they're very polite and they don't Wicker Man him. Some time goes by, one of them stands up, says in a voice that carries across the room "Twelve" and everybody does a wee chuckle and goes back to their pints.

"That's weird" thinks the protagonist, goes back to his pint. "Twenty-seven" says this one lady off to his right, some giggles and blushes and elbowing. "Thirty" says a bloke with a beard and everybody roars, pointing, great big guffaws, apparently it's the way he tells them.

He asks the barmaid hey thirty of what, she says well it must look a bit weird to outsiders but since Dave here kept telling the same three jokes someone said one time "Oh that's a Dave Number Three" and it stuck, and then it got out of hand and we ended up numbering all the favourite jokes that everyone knows off by heart anyway and now it saves drinking time to just shout out the number. Give it a go if you want luv, you'll fit in better.

So our guy shrugs and grins and he takes a swig of his pint and shouts "Sixty two!" and the room just ERUPTS, people are falling off their chairs, slapping their thighs, wiping away tears, big red faces, holding their sides, the whole lot.

"Wow, what'd I just say?" says the guy.

Barmaid calms down enough to giggle "we've not heard that one before"

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Dan Fixes Coin-Ops (ifixcoinops@retro.social)'s status on Wednesday, 26-Feb-2025 17:37:25 JST

Dan Fixes Coin-Ops

in reply to

That's Joke Number Eleven btw

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Dan Fixes Coin-Ops (ifixcoinops@retro.social)'s status on Wednesday, 26-Feb-2025 17:37:26 JST

Dan Fixes Coin-Ops

This is how we reduce data centre power consumption and save our phone batteries and data plans, instead of posting spidermanpointingathimself.jpg we post "Spiderman Pointing At Himself Meme" like that pub where people shout numbers

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