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Dear OPM, here are the five things I accomplished this week, in no particular order:

• as a security penetration testing, I obtained access to the bathroom at special government employee [redacted]’s residence an dipped their tooth brush in quick lye.
• as part of the mission of the whole of the federal workforce, I removed the snack bars from the doge commissary, no one needs to snack on government time (you should be ashamed of yourselves).

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#doge #opm #government #USpol #satire