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Suck it, steam fags!
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So I ended up actually buying this thing, ROG Ally X. Works well, but is quite heavy for a handheld if you're using for long periods. (1.5 pounds) There's a stripped down interface you can use to launch stuff, but you're always a click away from just using regular Windows. Physical buttons on right are noisy as you press, which is annoying, but I assume was a design choice. I can't say I would recommend it to others at the price of $800, but it fit a need I have at the moment.
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The Steam Deck alternatives are just running windows now, that's one way to ensure compatibility I guess.