Grrrr, Darth Moose Shark
Let me tell you, by way of an example, a little about what ADHD costs - even when you have a good income and can mitigate some of the consequences.
My daughter and I are on a trip to Munich, our former hometown, to celebrate her 16th birthday.
We're lucky, actually. There is a direct train which takes 3 hours from the city where we live in Switzerland, and if we reserve enough in advance, it's pretty affordable.
Which I did.
Grrrr, Darth Moose Shark
When you have ADHD, you often have tons of checklists for travel, because you also usually have a CRAP working memory.
You also end up doing a lot at the last minute, because we are doomed to be agents of chaos.
And you plan departure times in phases - what I referred to before we left as "intended departure time", "late departure time", and "OMGWTFBBQ" departure time. You aim for "intended" and more often than not get one of the latter two.
Grrrr, Darth Moose Shark
When I am alone, I have a billion alarms set. I stress myself out like mad. I often make the intended departure time because I plan like Hell and I am mostly terrified because of experience.
When I also have the joy of being the executive function for an AuDHD teen, honestly, we miss a lot of shit, fight a lot because I am in panic mode, and the tasks that need to get done before we leave are generally done in haste and without deep conscious thought because I have to do EVERYTHING
Grrrr, Darth Moose Shark
And also because along with my poor working memory, I am constantly interrupted by trying to trigger action from my kid, which means I have to pretend I can multitask.
Practically speaking, this means that if I do something, I kind of have to be careful how I think about it, because it's easy to basically erase the memory that I have done it.
I don't know why. Call it very volatile memory.
Grrrr, Darth Moose Shark
Anyway.
On top of this, I have always over-relied on a now unreliable photographic memory which deteriorates significantly under stress.
So what often happens, when I am on my own, is that I don't EXACTLY remember having done something, but I might have a clear picture in my head of the morning and can remember seeing something that would mean I did it.
Like, for example, a recent image of my cats' water tank being screwed on to their water bowl.
Grrrr, Darth Moose Shark
When I am panicked and rushed, these images/memories are really transient and fragile. I will usually run through a mental checklist of these things before I reach a point of no return away from the house and sort of "consume" the memories, satisfying myself that I did the most important things, and not worrying anymore.
I might remember later as well, but only if I was able to calmly think about them the first time.
Grrrr, Darth Moose Shark
If I am rushed though, either because I am managing someone else or someone is impatient, I may not even form the images or memories, or they are at least very foggy. I will do things without conscious thought in order to get out the door, and then risk having little ability to reassure myself that everything is OK.
And if someone else asks me if I am sure I did it, any memory of having done so will simply vanish.
Grrrr, Darth Moose Shark
This time, though, we are gone for longer.
Longer than the point where severe dehydration sets in.
Now, let me be clear - it is almost certainly the case that I set up the tank and everything is FINE. But I also don't KNOW, and given that I constantly lose track of things in this state of mind, I can't trust myself.
Grrrr, Darth Moose Shark
Furthermore, I usually leave a big separate bowl of water and another of dry food when we take long weekend trips, but this time, I just didn't have the time for the big water bowl.
Now, yes, in principle, they could drink from the toilets, but they don't. And Lioth does kind of know how to turn the bath tap on, but I don't know if he'd think to do that if they are thirsty.
We are usually only gone for 48 hours, which would be bad, but probably not fatal.
Grrrr, Darth Moose Shark
So N asks me, as we were patting ourselves on the back for having made the train, if I did the cats' food, litter, and water before we left.
And herein lies the problem.
I remember doing the litter because I did that before we were rushing.
I remember the food, because I did that after doing something I KNOW I did, which was to dump the water out of the bowl which goes under their water tank and wash the bowl out.
I also remember FILLING their water tank in the tub.
BUT.
Grrrr, Darth Moose Shark
Which is why, while my teen spends her day hanging around in Munich and doing stuff she wants to do, I am spending the 8 hours today going home and back to Munich on the train to spend 10 minutes in my house making sure my cats are hydrated and safe and that I still make it back to Munich for her birthday plans.
Yes, I have the fucking latitude to actually DO this, but I hate that however much I care for our cats, I am not trustworthy enough to not accidentally hurt them.
Grrrr, Darth Moose Shark
This kind of shit happens to ADHD folks on a smaller scale all the time. We might forget to eat and have to buy a more expensive meal on the go. We might misplace a bill when we walk in the door because something distracts us when we walk in the door and end up with late fees. It's fucking EXHAUSTING (which is expensive on its own - who wants to cook when you have had to spend the day being your own damned babysitter?).
FiStitchWitch
@grrrr_shark This thread is great. Okay, not your experience (I can so relate to it), but for explaining what ADHD is like. The constant double checking, the panic, the checking again, the stress - its constant.
I hope you manage to have a great time in Munich and that your daughter has a fab birthday!
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