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   Mordecai Martin (mordecaimartin@rage.love)'s status on Wednesday, 18-Jan-2023 01:26:31 JST Mordecai Martin

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   • Sleepy time tea bear

   @Sleepytimeteabear *hug* brother, it’s hard

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     Sleepy time tea bear (sleepytimeteabear@octodon.social)'s status on Wednesday, 18-Jan-2023 01:26:39 JST Sleepy time tea bear

     in reply to

     As always Kate bush gets the vibe https://youtu.be/cyW4nzPgQuQ

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     Sleepy time tea bear (sleepytimeteabear@octodon.social)'s status on Wednesday, 18-Jan-2023 01:26:41 JST Sleepy time tea bear

     in reply to

     Mitch hedburg had a joke about how addiction is the only disease you’re allowed to get mad at someone- ‘you can’t say ‘dammnit Otto, lupus??’

     And in a weird way it’s feels kind of the same with deaths- getting mad at someone ‘making a choice’ gives you a feeling to feeling besides lying-on-your-face-motionless and a proxy for bigger ‘why’, and culturally there’s space for ‘oh of course you’re angry, totally understandable, look at the shambles they’ve left’. it feels so much less helpless to think ‘I love you and fuck you for doing this to yourself and us’ when it’s really ‘I love you and fuck you for doing this but also fuck EVERYTHING I know got us to this moment. the anger at the world at large is just too big, and what can I even do with it, right at this same moment when eating a sandwich is Sisyphean’
     ‘Natural causes’ just more or less cuts out the the semi-toxic ‘fuck you’ protective layer between you and the ‘it’s only the one everything’ larger anger. It’s a strange difference to feel immediately

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     Sleepy time tea bear (sleepytimeteabear@octodon.social)'s status on Wednesday, 18-Jan-2023 01:26:42 JST Sleepy time tea bear

     The problem with suicide is that it was their decision; the problem with dying of disease is that it wasn’t, & the problem with both is that you can more or less get a material ‘why’. A soul or a heart just couldn’t keep going - because of depression, because of a virus, the brutality of the world, a Latin word you can’t pronounce, what happened Last Thursday.
     But the larger ‘why’- why her, why us, why now, why ever, why like this, why this hour- you never get.
     (This is all with the caveat that I know & believe that suicide & other ‘deaths of despair’ are just as much caused by a mix of physical and the environmental as so called ‘death of natural causes. To paraphrase foster Wallace- it’s the choice between the fire and the window.actually fuck it I’ll just quote the bandanna directly:
     “The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise.
     Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames.
     And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”