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The sadfeels are bothering me today.

I want to sit with them and accept them and let them pass through me.

But they feel so *heavy* and they want to settle in and take up permanent residence.

I've noticed that I don't want to eat much during the day, but in the evenings I'm ravenous.

This morning, I paid attention to how the sadness feels in my body. It really does feel like a weight in my chest, like density is increasing, like the pull of gravity is keeping me slumped.

It's occurred to me that I want to eat so much in the evenings because that's when the sadness tends to peak. So I feel compelled to eat and eat until my body is physically heavier, so that it reflects these heavy feelings in my heart.

I had been doing daily meditation for a while, and found it to be wonderful. I'd started a 40 Days of Transformation course with a different guided meditation every day.

Then, maybe a week ago, in the 13th lesson, the teacher suggested that we were all going to become weightless, we'd experience the sensation of flying together.

And I just. Couldn't. I found it impossible. The more the teacher said that I was feeling weightless, the heavier and more stuck to my chair I felt.

I persisted with the session anyway, but haven't been able to return to the meditation practice since.

I'm not weightless. I can't fly. If I could fly, if I could magically transport myself somewhere in particular, I would do it so fast. God knows I want to.

I want to detach. I want to let go. I want to stop clinging to hope, and just accept what is.

I don't know how to tolerate uncertainty. I don't know how to live in this space where I don't have what I want, and it looks like I probably won't get it, but it's not really clear yet. There's still a chance.

How can I let go of attachment to a specific outcome, and just focus on the present moment?

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