THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL EMBARRASSED Speaking, walking through any crowded room or open space, asking for help, having a body, complaining about having a body, not understanding big grad school words, understanding big grad school words, catching my reflection in a mirror, listening to the thoughts in my head, considering any moment in my past, even one second ago when I was wondering what to say here, and questioning, questioning, always questioning myself, my intent, is this push towards healing selfish, am I a selfish person for wanting the tiny drops of comfort that form on the sphere of glass I keep around my innermost self, is it a crime to be this sensitive, should I be leaving the house more, oh no, now I’m sad, is it wrong to feel sad, where is my labor going, oh no, I didn’t answer that text, didn’t respond to those emails, was too busy dying, convinced I was dying, whatever, the other day a stranger caught me standing out beneath the sun and smiling with my eyes shut at the warm breath of wind upon my face and oh god I was so embarrassed I erased the moment, dropped the catharsis, abandoned my relief for the pigeons and flies to feast upon with love.

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