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If I were a rich man, I'd ride around all day looking for people I could give money to. I'd drive down the road around Christmas time and just stop at houses with lights on and give them hundred dollar bills to help with the electricity this month. I'd hand out cash to homeless people, to mothers with kids, to people who looked down. I'd offer to buy everyone a round of drinks at every bar I passed. I would spend my money on being remembered for giving money to people, like fucking Santa Claus.

The only reason to have fuck-you money is so that you never have to do anything ever again. Seriously. You never have to do anything. That's not to say that you never do anything, just that you don't have to. No one can make you do anything you don't want to do. So then, if you're not forced to do anything, what should you do with your life?

Some rich people just do nothing. That's cool, I guess. They live pointless little lives which are blown up to gigantic proportions by the amount of money they have, but it's nothing. And they can. They've made it to the apex, and they can just sit there. We think that's wasteful, like they're wasting their money, because we believe the lies rich people tell.

Some rich people love money. They pursue it like it's going to make them happy. They're the rich people who tell the lie that money can't buy happiness, because they know. They can't find happiness in their money so they assume it's not there. But that doesn't stop them hoarding money. They're like addicts chasing the next fix. Some amount of money will make them happy, they're sure of it, so they grab all they can.

And then a lot of rich people seem to pursue power. In one way or another, they realize that money is a means to an end. So they spend money, sure, and sometimes it makes them money, but that's not why they do it. They do it to accumulate power, temporal power. They want more than to not have to do anything. They want to make other people do things. They want that power that others might hold over them.

Some of those rich people think that power will make them happy. Maybe it does. That's wrong. But they're rich, so they're allowed to do whatever they want. They're allowed to find happiness in sick ways because our society is set up to allow that.

And then some rich people realize that life is short. So they seek power over that. They preserve their lives at the expense of all else. They hoard life. Some of them never get past that and they die anyway. Some of them project it onto their progeny, hoarding their line, their legacy.

And some of them realize that even that is fleeting. That the only way to project power into the future is to be remembered. They're the ones who build monuments and establish nations and so forth.

And the sick thing is that they're right. The way the world works, there's one goddamn Santa Claus and a million Ozymandiases. Nothing beside remains? That's another lie. People remember Ozymandias. People remember horrible bastards, even the ones who aren't rich.

So no rich people go around giving money to the poor because it's useless. There's no return on it. And you can't get rich without worrying about the return on things.

So if I were rich, I wouldn't do anything. I'd return to dust and be unremembered. My money would be wasted. That's why I'm not rich and never will be. Because life is cold and hard and breaks you. Love is a lie and death is coming for everyone.

But if I were rich, I'd buy everyone a goddamn sandwich and a cup of coffee. I'd make the guacamole free wherever I went. Don't worry about the check. I'll take care of it. You'd never even know my name.

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