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I'm not even sure I want hormones. I'm pretty sure I don't want them, because I think about going on hormones all the time, and those thoughts always end on some variation of "I can't, not ever," and if I really wanted to try hormones obviously I wouldn't keep thinking about how I can't try them. I think about them all the time and have to constantly stop myself, so I must really not want them. You know how when you're profoundly curious and sick with longing about something, it usually passes pretty quickly. It's an idle fixation brought on by boredom, easily confused with legitimate desire. Don't worry, lots of people confuse the two. And it doesn't help, seeing all those attractively powerful trans people getting into their stretch limousines and then going on the news to promote hormone therapy as a universal panacea for solving all your problems. Happens all the time, and frankly I'm sick of it.