Me in 2016. Skinny af

It's weird being asked what life achievement I am most proud of. Bit silly, I guess, but I said that the accomplishment that holds the significance to me isn't something like a trophy or an impressive title. It's actually the battle I face against depression and eating disorders every day.

For context, the picture below was me in 2016, peak of my eating disorder. I was 40kg (170cm tall; all bones and skin. Muscle has also atrophied in my legs) yet I still dreamt of losing more. I wanted to be a Victoria's Secret Angel. It was a vile, toxic dream. This single photo evoked so much emotions within me.

Each day was and still is a challenge that require me to confront my demons. Anorexia is no joke. I didn't seek help for years because I thought I was healthy. I thought I was amazing. And, this was even supported by so many people saying "Wow, you lost weight. I wish I could lose as much weight as you" and "you are so much prettier now that youve lost weight." And hell, I believed it--that being skinny thin meant I was beautiful. My ED evolved into Bulimia, followed by a rollercoaster ride of emotions where my self worth was tied to how small my waist was, how big my thigh gap was, how much I could purge without people noticing. The days I spent in a hospital due to dehydration and not eating were not enough for me to stop what I was doing.

It was very recently since I started treatment. It is helping, but I have fully accepted that it is a life long battle. At least now, I have days where I feel beautiful even though I am no longer size zero. At least now, I have days where I feel pretty even though I am not as skinny as I used to be. And it is with those small victories I have every day where I found my strength.

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