Notices by Dropped Mike (rebrafsim@universeodon.com)

me: I think we should work on trust-building

boss: that’s a great idea

me: cool, here’s my trust account deposit instructions

me: what about my right to a free press?

whole foods cashier: this is a garlic press, and you have to pay for it

me: I’m calling my lawyer

if you eat right, exercise and get plenty of sleep you can be confused for an extra seven to ten years

Me: hi I’m here for the missionary position?

Pastor: we don’t call it that

if you carve a pumpkin in September it’s called premature ejackolantern I will not be taking questions

if you’ve got a flat and you need a lift, are you a stranded American or a lazy Brit?

Banadian goose

teacher: what does “agnostic” mean?

me: I don’t know

teacher: correct! how about “ambivalent”?

me: *shrug*

teacher: yes! how about “nihilistic”?

me: what difference does any of this make?

teacher: amazing

my secret family recipe is don’t tell anyone about your family

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” I say, gesturing at everything

little known fact: a group of plethoras is called a fuckload

me: I want to make something really clear

glass factory manager: you’re hired

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

me: you can’t fire me, I’m a whistleblower

HR: first of all, that’s a kazoo

sensei: you have much to learn, my child

nonsensei: flamingos hate peanut butter

wtf — what the fuck
ftw — fuck the world/for the win
tfw — that feeling when
wft — who fried this
fwt — fried what though
twf — this wasn’t fried