Notices by Katy Elphinstone (katyelphinstone@mas.to), page 2

In a similar way to how I must acknowledge, as a white person, that I’m richer than most Black and brown people are.

These dynamics help those who hold the most power to become richer, and they foster division among us.

In this thread, I’ll cover a bit of ground on the gender side of things...

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#Patriarchy #Money #BlackLivesMatter #Feminism #SocialJustice

Back to the children.

There's a deep feeling in most of us, I think, that a woman, a maternal figure, should have provided for us.

She should have made us feel loved, supported… been fully there for us.

If she wasn’t, we often feel pretty angry with her. Understandably.

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Or no.2, where they have no time for their kids and hire babysitters, or their own mother looks after the children. Note that this group of women are heavily criticized for their ‘choice’ of career/work over parenting activities.

Or no.3, where you have nothing to live on. Which is a problem when it comes to providing a healthy and secure home.

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#TradWives #Motherhood #Parenting #Family

Mothers are, in effect, forced into a corner.

They may end up with no.1 above, and then have no choice but to use coercive & unhealthy mechanisms on their children to sustain the situation (they’re heavily expected, even forced, to use power over their children to make them do things; such as go to school, tidy their rooms, study, be a well-greased cog in the ‘machine’… etc.).

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All of us can, of course, think of some examples of women being super-selfish. Indeed, sometimes I think one of those acts counts for about a dozen of men’s, given the amount that it gets commented on 😜

But to sum up: men, without being aware of it, often feel entitled to female consideration, while never having to acknowledge that it exists – let alone that they benefit from it.

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Think about how people behave – and then, whether they're women or men.

Which drivers pull over and let you pass, and who ploughs straight through.

Who tailgates you, angry because you’re slower than them.

Who moves out of the way for you on the sidewalk. Who smiles. Who makes your day a bit brighter as you go about your business, with some small act of care.

(Note: you ‘lose’ by doing these small selfless acts, esp. when the small acts are scaled up into weeks, months, years of it).

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Love, support, a listening ear. These things (we often feel) are owed to us, by the woman-figure.

Girls and women grow up with the knowledge they must provide this, and should enjoy doing so, and demand nothing in return. Not even acknowledgment.

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#Sexism #Patriarchy

Not so many of us blame our fathers, or the ‘village’, or indeed anyone else besides our mother.

Father-blaming isn’t usually a big thing – perhaps because it isn’t felt that he held the responsibility for making us feel happy & okay. Whereas our mother… she should have done.

#Motherhood #Children #Families

But let's get back to money. 💰

Which is, often, the crux of the matter. While rarely talked about, for some reason.

If your labor is unseen and unpaid – the emotional labor, the support work, the smiling, and moving aside, the physical affection & intimacy that, in many cases, you may provide for the other person (all things being rather unequal!), is never seen nor compensated, and yet it costs you a lot in time and energy…

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But there's a darker side. If she declines the gift (perhaps because she’s exhausted, or so), he may not react with, “Ah, let me try with a different gift – maybe she doesn’t like purple. I’ll ask her, so I know for next time.”

Instead he may feel hurt... even angry!

I wonder if this is perhaps the child part, and whether this may be where the unconditional mother-figure comes in. ‘That isn’t meant to happen, she’s meant to want to do what I want her to!’

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Then there’s affection, physical closeness, sexual intimacy.

These can all be wonderful things!

I wonder sometimes (and please correct me, men out there, if I’m wrong!) if men may think they’re *such* wonderful things, that they want to gift them to women. Specially to the women they love. After all, it’s often what they’d want!

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#Relationships #Intimacy

This is where it all comes together.

The expectation of the woman ‘provider’ (even when her cupboard is, by design, bare).

She's ‘in charge’ – she’s responsible. For my happiness. For my food. For… everything. And (in spite of the bare cupboard) is implicated when she fails to provide it.

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A lot of people seem to like the half-and-half option.... and then, hm, are amazed when the woman’s soul gradually dies as she becomes more and more exhausted and lonely 🤷♀️

(Note that in this whole thread I’d apply the ‘female’ side, or what I’ve termed as ‘women’, to whomever in the relationships plays that role more, whether trans woman, or gay, or so.)

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#Equality #Feminism #Sexism #GenderEquality #TransLivesMatter #LGBTQ+

When it comes to ‘who pays’…

For example, in a partnership. Or when dating. Who pays for the meal in the restaurant, the drinks, the trip? Who pays for the grocery shop, and for the electricity bill, and the rent?

The man, the woman?

Half and half?

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And your higher level of poverty and dependency, due to the many ways the system works against women (the expected but unrecognized parenting and domestic labor, discrimination against working women, harassment, lower pay, etc.)…

(More on 'the money paradox' here: https://mas.to/@KatyElphinstone/115434704175866331)

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Refs (1):

[1] Where Inequality Lives: The State of Gendered Poverty and Financial Resilience. (2025). Available at: https://www.smallwoodtrust.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2025/07/Where-Inequality-Lives-2025.pdf.

[2] Institute of Race Relations (2024). Inequality, Housing and Employment Statistics. [online] Institute of Race Relations. Available at: https://irr.org.uk/research/statistics/poverty/.

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I start to see why so many women these days are opting for celibacy, when and if they can.

It means having less overall, since your wages are probably lower.

But often it's better than the alternative – which involves gradual physical & emotional depletion, and, ultimately, betrayal both by another & of the self.

On betrayal: https://www.neurofabulous.org.uk/betrayal.html

But if, as a woman, you expect to receive anything monetary from the man you date or partner with, you’re seen as cold, calculating, a ‘gold digger,’ even.

The way women who want their partner to pay for things are looked upon in society is, for me, quite astonishing. It’s a harsh punishment!

I guess it’s assumed you’re getting quite enough from the things he (and society) wants you to want. Conveniently.

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Refs (4):

[6] Global Citizen. (n.d.). Women Are More Likely Than Men to Live in Extreme Poverty: Report. [online] Available at: https://www.globalcitizen.org/en/content/women-extreme-poverty-un-report/.

[7] ‘The Value of Everything: Making & Taking in the Global Economy’, Mazzucato (2018)

[8] Rose Hackman, ‘Emotional Labor’ (2023).

[9] Bull, S. (2023). Patriarchy and the origins of women’s oppression | Links. [online] links.org.au. Available at: https://links.org.au/patriarchy-and-origins-womens-oppression.

End of 🧵

@farah

I think it's maybe that firm hug that can sometimes work for panic attacks and meltdowns and shutdowns.... I remember my son used to ask me or his dad to actually lie on top of him. Just, the weight, there is something about that 🤷♀️

Like pressure blankets perhaps?