Notices by Katy Elphinstone (katyelphinstone@mas.to)

"We’re gonna have to face it, we’re addicted to blame."

My sister just described a conversation she had with a friend. It struck me it was almost identical to one I also had recently with a friend.

It was about the role of blame in our society. It went a bit like this:

Me: “I don’t believe in blame.”

Them: “Me neither. Oh, except for, like, really bad people.”

Me: “Like who?” (laughing a bit)

Them: “Well, Trump, Elon Musk, Liz Truss, people like that.”

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Me (cont'd): "Plus, I think a major and necessary ingredient for lacking empathy and (for example) going on to commit terrible acts like genocide is… ironically enough… believing in blame.”

Them: “Are you saying I’m the kind of person who might go on to commit genocide?” (mock serious)

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Them: “True, but some people have horrible backgrounds and end up nice people. I think you can’t use someone’s background to justify what they do.”

Me: “I don’t think it’s just a horrible background that makes someone do destructive things later. I think it’s a specific kind of background that has very specific ingredients that are singular to that person."

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Them: “But what about people who are responsible for genocides, are you saying they aren’t to blame for it? They should be held to account.”

Me: “Well, it’s not like they land one day from Outer Space in front of a sign that says, ‘this way genocide; this way no genocide.’ There’s, like, a context. Of course I’d want to stop them from doing any more bad things, but it would be purely preventative. Not punishment.”

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Me: “Nuh. I don’t ever believe in blame at any level, for anyone, ever. I think it’s illogical.”

Them: “Mostly I’d agree with you. But some people do really bad things. Cause untold harm. I don’t think they should just be let off the hook.”

Me: “I know people do awful things. But… well… if I were them I’d be doing the same thing (obviously, because I’d be them). The fact I’m not, I reckon, is more because of my trajectory than any intrinsic personal… um… saintliness.”

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We tend also (strongly encouraged institutions like government, industry, the media, and big tech) to get personal very quickly.

It’s a pastime we seem to find intrinsically more satisfying than the search for solutions to problems; looking for someone who’s to blame and finding fault with them.

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Me: “Who are evil, you mean?”

Them: “Well, yes.”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t believe in that, either.”

Them: “Why am I not surprised?”

We both laugh. End of conversation.

Let’s pick this apart a bit:

We tend to equate blame with responsibility, and punishment with prevention. But the consequences and the outcomes are very different.

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Me: “I’d be really surprised if at this point in your life you went that way. But anyone who believes in blame and punishment is, yes, I think, more likely to do things like that that someone who doesn’t believe in them at all.”

Them: “Thanks for that (laughing). Well, I think you’re right for most people and situations, but… no… (shaking their head) for me there are just some people who are beyond the pale.”

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The ‘blame and punishment’ model upholds the power structure, and separates us from each another and from ourselves.

Studies show that moralistic thinking reduces empathy.

If you don’t believe in blame, badness, or indeed inferiority of any kind, it’s really hard to dehumanize people. Even if you want to, you find you can’t.

(Reduced empathy article: https://www.neurofabulous.org.uk/decreased-empathy.html)

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While if you don’t have a doghouse at all (instead practicing compassion towards others and yourself) you don’t need to be so scared.

You can be honest, instead.

That way lies self-awareness.
Growth. And connection.

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A hard and fast rule becomes: never admit fault, never confess to a mistake – not even to yourself. Never make yourself vulnerable. Always be right – and if the evidence suggests you’re not, say you’re right anyway.

If you’ve got a doghouse, with anyone in there (even if it’s Caligula, or Hitler, or so), then conceptually you’re being faithful to to the ‘blame and punishment’ model.

Given the right circumstances, you yourself, or your most loved people, could end up in there.

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We often punish with judgemental words, ridicule, harsh criticism. Often against them personally.

What they look like, how they talk, how stupid or evil they are – and maybe unnecessary details e.g. about their personal or family lives.

Only that the more punishment people receive, the more they hunker down.

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@farah

It can't be entirely weird, I think, as it works for more of us... I think it must calm the nervous system? There must be a reason why... Now I am curious and I'm going to look it up!

@farah

Aha... so apparently it (weight or pressure, such as a weighted blanket) can stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system. That would explain why it can work for anxiety/fear/panic.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/about/copyright/

Refs (3)

[4] Morgan, K. (2024). ‘The extra shift’: The unpaid emotional labour expected of women at work. [online] www.bbc.com. Available at: https://www.bbc.co.uk/worklife/article/20240313-invisible-emotional-labour-women-in-workplace.

[5] Oschatz, T., Piemonte, J.L. and Klein, V. (2024). The Intimate and Sexual Costs of Emotional Labor: The Development of the Women’s Sexual Emotional Labor Assessment. Archives of Sexual Behavior. doi:https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-024-03061-7.

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Refs (2):

[3] How society holds women accountable for their maternal performances & children’s outcomes (e.g. Ladd-Taylor and Umansky 1998, Garey and Arendell 2001, Malacrida 2003, Singh 2004, Craig and Scambler 2006, Blum 2007, Hays 1996). Tied with idealised notions of middle-class, heterosexual, nuclear families, & discourses of maternal 'deviance' (Arendell 2000), targeting mothers who are single, poor, non-White, immigrant, homeless, lesbian, whose children are disabled, etc.

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"Who should pay?"

CW: controversial.

Many men are poor. But women, as a group taken together, are poorer. And this is true in all countries in the world, not just those known for gendered oppression.

If you’re a man who’s interested in having more connection & understanding, I think it's important to consciously know this, “I am richer, in money terms, as a man, than most women are.”

(Refs at the end)

A thread 🧵

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#Poverty #Patriarchy #Women #Relationships #Money #Feminism

This is due to the (intentionally) unpaid and invisible nature of parenting, despite it being hard and time-consuming labor.

(More on this in my article, 'Should parents be paid:'
https://www.neurofabulous.org.uk/should-parents-be-paid.html)

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Mothers, who are expected to provide unconditional love and support, in our society either lack:

1. Freedom to do so, e.g. in your average traditional nuclear family, or

2. Time to do so, if they’re also working for money, or

3. Money to do so - money is important when it comes to love and support, as without it you’re homeless, foodless, comfortless.

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#Parenting #Mothers #Family #UnpaidCarers

There's a dilemma when it comes to male/female relationships.

Because of our cultural abandonment of children and our collective focus on power and competing (both cornerstones of our society, and yet oddly taboo as a conversational topic), most children grow up without the levels of love and support they need to thrive.

Including, of course, boys.

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#Relationships #Feminism #Parenting