Notices by Xavier (xinicit@mastodon.floe.earth)

(Making out)

Her: Tell me what you’re thinking about
Me: It’s weird that it’s socially acceptable for two people to rub their digestive tracts together
Her: OK, next time I ask you that, tell me what you think I want to hear

“How can you joke at a time like this?” Because I need to laugh or I will die

Shit’s so bleak that they’ve re-edited the intro to MASH to include the lyrics

Do electricians call each other ohmies?

Kiss me, I’m convenient

My wife’s mom is thrilled that my sister’s Scottish husband is quitting the Catholic Church. In other words, my mother-in-law is pro lapsed Angus.

Maybe the real friends were the shit posters we met along the way

I am three raccoons — each having their own emotional, psychological, and spiritual crises — piloting a poorly inflated blowup doll

I would get more done if I weren’t afraid of people yelling at me

Colonizers sound like they should have something to do with the large intestine, but are in fact assholes.

You can’t get blood from a turnip. Or a stone. Most things don’t have blood, actually.

Calling politicians clowns is wrong. Clowns actually try to make people happy.

Metalheads are theater kids who don’t know they’re theater kids.

Friday night selfie

It would be cool if we could cross a tasmanian devil with a chihuahua so that maybe we could have calmer chihuahuas.

People treat being mentally ill like a weird hobby you’re supposed to do outside of working hours, like Warhammer or having loved ones.

“Snuggle bug” is a cute nickname but a horrifying concept.

Roses are red
Bird bones are hollow
“Non sequitir” means
“It doesn’t follow”

She came into my life like a sexually charged circus bear wielding a purloined t-shirt cannon, and all I could do was stand there as she rocked back and forth on her unicycle and took aim at my heart.

My first day writing porn scripts:

Maybe she could order a pizza? Do women eat pizza? That’s a lot of food for one person, though. Should there be pineapple, or is that considered a fetish? Shit, this is difficult!