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@socks Thank you! I'm glad, and sorry, that it's relatable. It sucks.

I'm utterly miserable right now. I'm giving up on my oldest hobby because the emotional highs it produces aren't worth these abysmal lows. I spent a lot of time and money trying to understand why these lows feel like this, to understand and protect myself, to reduce their amplitude.

but in the end i think it's time to give up and admit that the problem is me and it always has been.

No metaphor or analogy will change me