The whole thing scares me. It terrifies me that I can’t answer those questions because like in other depressive episodes I’ve had in the past because I don’t know what’ll happen until it does. I’m physically, emotionally, and spiritually getting the shit kicked out of me; fighting something else I cannot physically see.
My most raucous and brutal life/death battles have always been against myself and the ideation of unaliving myself; doing anything at all to not be figuratively on fire anymore and making the torment stop. Any self-mutilating thing seemed like a bridge to peace.
Now my demon has a more recognisable name: cancer. It doesn’t want me to do the honours of taking myself out as it’s equipped to do that for me.