Dysphoria, Body Dysmorphia, Oversharing Thruster Companion (this is my quirky little way to include optional music): https://lovecrypt.net/track/digital-kaiser I woke up thinking about this because I think I can feel my relationship with it shifting a bit. I've been trans for over 7 years now with tragically little external 'progress' in relationship to a lot of my sisters. The pandemic pulled me off estrogen treatment, and having to penny pinch kept me away. One of my sisters has been able to get tatoos, an orchi, the whole 9 yards after only 3 and constantly engages in polylust. She's finding herself, and I'm proud of her. ....I dont have any of that, not Lasik, none of it. I'm still trying to build up enough funds to get it rolling but at the same time, I also I'm not even sure how much of that stuff I want to do. I recognize this comes off as oversharing but it was relevant for what I'm about to say. Everywhere I look, I get 'gender envy'. Wow look at all these people making so much progress, I'm lagging out, etc. This is especially how I thought before I had the opportunity to move in with my girlfriend, when I was living with my parents. In a situation like that, you are never able to be yourself regardless of how loving 'the family' is. So, a lot of that idea of self maintanence becomes a resentment. Arrgh I gotta put on a face for my parents and work on not looking like a filthy moid, this sucks. This morning I woke up with the 'facial hair feeling' again. It feels like theres this weight on your face you have to get off asap. The more you ignore it the more depressed it makes you. As opposed to a dysphoria of shame, its a dysphoria of 'corporeality'. Its not about gender expression, its as 'wrong' as knots in your hair or a boil on your neck. Most of my dysphoria is 'corporeal' in that sense. Here's what I'm trying to get at though. This type of dysphoria has felt more raw and easier to own since I moved out. It's the rust of my body asking itself to be maintained. If I haven't shaved in a day or 2, I probably also havent showered or done any other bits of self grooming etc. So its these types of dysphoria I'm not sure I'd ever want to completely erase. Corporeal dysphoria makes me feel more a part of the world on my own terms, trying only a day at a time to escape from how irritating it is, rather than for a lifetime. Reminding me after all that the physicality of the body itself is a curse. Some people may think this is cope, this is 'accepting your suffering' etc. Yet for me, its moments like this that remind me why I love being a trans women in particular. If I was born a cis woman, there would probably be some corporeal dysphoria sure but it would be easier to reterritorialize as 'part of the misery' more evenly. Whether it be things that are outside of your control like menopause or in your control like makeup, I can't really see how corporeal maintanence would show up. As a trans woman whose been doing this for nearly a decade with little 'progress', I have a better relationship with my freakishness and what bugs me than cis society. I think one day I'll be able to make poetry or something out of it, but in the meantime I'm very glad what it gives me in terms of understanding the awkwardness of the body. "A cat screams. Why do I pay so much attention to the screams of a cat? I only want to hear the sounds from within! Perhaps, it has come from within?" - Final Curtain (1957), Ed Wood ...I should go lick myself clean now, have a nice morning all c: